Hayden

I've been thinking about Hayden a lot lately. I sometimes get so sad that he is so big and growing up so quickly. Being pregnant with him, and having him as a newborn was such a profound time of my life. I miss the feeling that I had at that time. I think that when I wanted another baby - it was because I wanted that same feeling back that I had with Hayden. I strived for it, but never quite achieved it with Theo. It just wasn't the same.

2007 was both the best and worst year of my life - extremely stressful. Being pregnant, knowing I was going to have a baby, it suddenly changed to what I wanted so badly. But I felt like it was all wrong - I didn't even know if Brandon was going to stick around and we barely got along. He was so angry at me, I often felt like "I" had ruined his life . He wanted me to move in with him, but I was too scared at first. We had had so many hard times, I didn't know if I could trust him. But I did, eventually. I decided that I needed to do everything I could to make sure that the baby was born into a family, and do the best I could to keep that family together. That's also why we got married.

Anyway. The memories of the last couple months of pregnancy and of Hayden's first 4-6 months or so felt like a very long and drawn-out time. But now it seems so far away. It seems sometimes like waiting for his arrival and having him as a baby lasted much longer than it did with Theo - like Theo's pregnancy and babyhood were all just a fleeting dream compared to how long everything happened with Hayden. Maybe it was because it was my first time becoming a mother. I think that's part of it, but I also think it was just because I felt like I had to hold onto it because I didn't know if it would last - I truly did not know if Brandon and I would be together and we would be a family, so during that time I was experiencing everything like it would be the last time. My theory, anyway.

 So my feelings. I remember being pregnant with Hayden in November before he was born and Brandon and I started going to Lamaze classes. It was every  Wednesday night and I just remember the excitement - knowing that I wouldn't be pregnant forever and that there was actually going to be a real, live baby coming! Those weeks of Lamaze classes seemed like they took forever, and it feels like they were just yesterday (but seems so far away if that makes any sense).  And I remember going to Babies R Us and picking out everything for our registry like it was hardly any time ago at all - picking out the crib and furniture that were going to be for my baby (and that we hardly ever used!). It was surreal.

And then his birth - it was the hardest, most painful thing I have ever been through. That is the only part that is fuzzy to me at all anymore, and it doesn't quite seem like it was yesterday. He was born on a Sunday, and then we brought him home the next day on a Monday. I remember we stopped and got Sequioa sandwiches and Starbucks. And then I remember leaving Hayden with Brandon for about an hour on Tuesday so that my mom and I could run and get jamba juice and pick up some medication from the pharmacy. That little trip and sitting with my mom talking at jamba juice sits in my mind clear as day. I was so happy - I had a new baby, my mom was there, I wasn't at work, it was just good.

My mom was there for a week and Brandon went back to work. That is when my "serene" feelings come in - the daily routine of sitting with Hayden most of the day, nursing him, watching movies, reading, and playing my games, doing laundry and picking up during his naps, just waiting for Brandon to get home. I LOVED that time, I LOVED that feeling. And it's gone now. I can't get it back. Hayden isn't a baby anymore. I just miss it so much when I think about it. I miss Hayden as a baby. Sometimes it hurts so badly to realize how far things have come and changed. Sometimes I wish I had held onto that time a little longer, or that I could at least go back in time for a little while just to experience it one more time. I really can't explain the feelings I get remembering that time.

I think that when I wanted another baby, that was what I wanted - those same feelings, and for some reason I truly thought that another baby was what would bring them back. Well, I got pregnant, we had another baby, and those feelings never came back. It makes me even more sad because now I feel even further from that time in my life than I did before the 2nd baby. BUT with the second baby there came different feelings - feelings that I now recognize are gone again as well and I will never get back. After Theo was born we spent time in Oregon, and he was just 9 days old when we made the trip up there. That was my bonding time with him, because Brandon and Brandon's family mostly took care of Hayden while I was on sole Theo duty. So that is the time that I remember fondly with Theo.

But what gets me is that every time I think about back when I was pregnant with Hayden and when Hayden was a newborn, I start to get this longing - I want another baby! But now, after having Theo, I realize that another baby will never bring back that time in my life and those feelings. It will never be just me and Hayden wiling away time together alone as he is a newborn. That is over, and it will never come back. And having another baby will never be the same as it was when I had Theo. It was just me, Hayden, and Theo. A third baby would not bring back that special time I had when Theo was a baby. I am realizing that. Oh my am I realizing that. And it hurts. Time hurts. But then again, I know I want to see my kids grow up. So I guess life in general is just bittersweet. Nothing lasts forever.

When we have the third baby, though, it will be special. Just not in the same way ever again. I just have to remember to hold onto those special times when the baby is little and remember those particular "feelings" that go along with that time and will never come back.

That turned out way longer than I meant it to be. January is the month of my little Hayden, and like I said, I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I miss our special time together when he was a baby. But I still love him, and he is such a cute 3 year old!